Saturday, April 23, 2011

14 Years Later & I'm Uncool In Elementary School

10-year-olds are my bullies.

I work for a Psychology Lab that collects research on children and families, and part of my job requires me to go to elementary schools and observe children on the playground.  Basically, I'm paid to stalk kids.  A couple of weeks ago, I was doing my first school visit unsupervised.  I was slightly nervous and wanted everything to go well.  I had managed to sign in with the front office, navigate my way to the playground, and begin the observation.

oOoOo this is going alright! yay me! I thought as I stared down at my stop-watch.  Then, out of nowhere, WACK.  A huge kickball nailed me in the side of my face.  Stunned, and a little dizzy, I turned to my right to see a group of boys pointing and laughing at me.  As if this wasn't already bad enough, one of the boys scurried up to me, screamed "THAT WAS WEIRD!" in his little nasally voice, and took off running.  It was in that moment that I realized that 14 years later, and I was uncool in elementary school.  I know I shouldn't have been embarrassed, as I'm more than twice these kids' age.  Ultimately I straightened myself up, laughed it off, and finished the observation (with slight traces of kickball track marks imprinted on my cheek).

Things only got worse at my little sister's 10th Birthday Party the following weekend.  I was excited to meet all of her friends and celebrate her entering double-digits!  I was still getting ready when the kids started to arrive, and every now and then I would catch a few of them peeking their heads through the crack in the bathroom door, watching me straightening my hair or applying mascara.  To them I was the mysterious older sister, offering insight into the teenage world.  That is, until my little sister told them that I was 23.  Then they lost all interest.  Apparently I peaked at 17.  Once I crossed the threshold into "ancient" territory, they came up with the grand idea of playing pranks on me.

They began by scattering and hiding throughout the house.  As I walked down the hallway, they each popped out from a different hiding place, screaming and poking at me.  Then they backed me into a corner and rubbed their nasty bare feet all over me!!  One of the first things you will learn about me, if you don't already know, is that I HATE feet.  They are my biggest pet peeve/fear.  It was Game. Over.

Later on, my mom asked me to go outside and spray all of the girls' hair with spray glitter because they were playing dress-up.  Easy enough, I thought.  But when I walked outside, I was ambushed!  They chased me down, tackled me to the ground, and sprayed glitter all over me.  While seeking refuge, with my unnaturally gleaming hair and my deep coughs from the fumes, I realized that I needed to accept my fate of being easy prey for the brutal beings that are 10-year-old girls.

After her party, my little sister was watching me buy a ticket to see David Sedaris.  A ticket...for one.  There are certain things that I just cannot go to alone but I decided that a book-reading isn't one of them.  While I was spazzing over making sure I entered all of my credit card information during their unreasonable time limit, my little sister thought it appropriate to provide a commentary on my existence:
"Look at your life, Des.  You live alone.  In a warehouse.  With your cat.  And you listen to weird music."
"What's so bad about that?!"
I'll never be cool among the 10-year-old generation.  I'll just go back to my warehouse apartment, play with my crazy cat, and listen to my weird music.  Oh yeah, and avoid eye-contact and speed-walk when in the vicinity of a 10-year-old.


RachelLynn said...

Bahaha! One of the funniest posts I've read in a while!
I'm your new follower, btw, I found you on 20sb. :)

10-year-olds will never think adults are cool, sadly. We're infinitely more fun as targets of their little pranks... Lol.

PATZ said...


violentlyinlove said...

amazing post very endearing

Desire' said...

Rachel- Thanks for stopping by and following my blog! Heading over to check out yours now! :)
and hahah yeah i think the pranking is here to stay, so we're left with no choice but to start one-upping them hahah

PATZ- bahahah H'OKAY, PHEOBZ. just finished watching the unagi episode of friends...again. and once again, YOU ARE MY BULLY. hahah thanks for ze comment!

April said...

I remember being 16 when my sister was that age, and HAMMING it UP whenever she had friends over. Ha!

Nowadays, us mid-twenty folk are the age of "student teachers" to them, though... aka fresh meat. Yikes.

Funny post!