Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Freak of the Week: Round 1

One of mine and my friends' favorite words is freak.  This is a recent development, which I blame on spending the better part of the past two years cooped up in my apartment watching whole seasons of Friends and Will and Grace on DVD.  After all, our favorite episodes make perfect use of the term.   First, Jack brings his coveted Cher doll to lunch with Will and Grace, leading to a hysterical scenario and Grace calling him a freak. Throw in a cameo appearance by the real Cher, and you've got yourself the best Will and Grace clip out there.  Watch it!  Our other source of the word freak comes from the Unagi episode of Friends, where Ross scares Rachel and Phoebe in an attempt to teach them to always be aware of their surroundings (what he calls "unagi"...which is really a type of sushi, you know).  Watch!

Anyways, my friends and I use this term very liberally, as it can describe almost anyone that we come into contact with.  If you were to eavesdrop on any of our conversations, it would not be uncommon for you to hear snippets such as, "I was driving on the interstate and some freak kept riding in my blindspot."  "I'm at the grocery store and this guy in the bread aisle keeps giving me weird looks." "Don't worry about it, he's probably a freak."  You may think we're being a little harsh or dramatic.  But our over-usage is completely justified when you take into account how many actual freaks we meet.  (The ironic thing though, is that we're probably the biggest freaks of them all.)  At the risk of sounding like Dr. Seuss (first a rhyming blog name, and now a rhyming feature? I know I know) I've decided to start writing Freak of the Week to discuss all of our weird/absurd encounters.

The first honorary Freak of the Week is Rat Girl.  Last week I was sitting at a table by myself at Mill Mountain Coffee (the local coffee shop in Roanoke), on my laptop with headphones in when two freaks (a guy and a girl) walked in and sat at a nearby table.  They kept staring in my direction and whispering, and it soon became blatantly obvious that they were talking about me.  Suddenly, the female freak was hovering over me.  She proceeded to pull a pet RAT out of her BRA, put it down on my table, and let it run around!  I flipped out.
Me: "Oh my god please get that off right now.  That really freaks me out!!"
She let the rat chill on my laptop for an unnecessary amount of time.
Freak: "Why does it freak you out? Wanna pet him?!! He's really sweet!"
She shoved the rat in my face.  I'm crying by this point.
Me: "I'm sure he's sweet, but I don't do rodents."
Then the guy freak ran over, yelling at the girl freak: "What are you doing?! You're so weird!" He took off and hid in the bathroom.
Girl Freak: "My friend thinks you're cute and he wanted me to put this rat on your table so we could talk to you."
Me: "Oh cool.  What a turn-on."  Because that's normal.  I often throw rats all over people I want to strike up a conversation with.
Freak continues talking to me: "Have you ever heard of the band Blind Melon?  You know that song, No Rain?"
Me: " that song."
Freak: "Well right before the lead singer died of a heroine overdose, he named his daughter Neko, which is what I named this rat."  And with that, she put the rat in her shirt and I watched it bulge out from beneath the fabric, crawling down her back.  She asked for my name.
Me: "Jennifer."  Freaks weren't getting my real name.  The guy finally emerged from the bathroom and the two scampered off out the back door.

Weirdest thing of my life.  Will never understand.  I had to go home and shower for 8 years and pour anti-bacterial hand-gel all over my laptop.  Well, not so much the last thing...I've poured enough liquids on my laptop over the past couple of years, but those are stories for another time.

Stay tuned, I have many more Freaks to introduce you all to.  In the mean time, I invite all of you to use the term freak whenever you see fit...which, now that you're paying attention, you're going to realize that it comes in handy...a lot.

If any of you have freak stories to share, please leave me a comment...I'd love to hear!


Dawn said...

hysterical ~ love the new layout

Laura said...

omg i'm dyinggg

Me: "Jennifer." Freaks weren't getting my real name.


can there be guest freak of the week columns when burbs have freak encounters? nick on ze bus? brian and julia with their crazy students?

Ixy said...

Wow. I thought I was the only one who attracted these bizarre encounters. I'll definitely send you a freak of the week story - I just have so much material it's hard to know where to start.

Desire' said...

Ixy- perfect! i can't wait to see what you come up with! just email me at whenever you're done! thanks! :)